Student struggles to cut bagel, nearly leaves medical school


Just minutes ago, Perry Carter, a student in the UC Berkeley-UCSF Joint Medical Program, reportedly considered dropping out of medical school while struggling to open a bagel.

Carter, who is currently studying to be a cardiothoracic surgeon, really considered giving up being a doctor after his utter and abject failure to cut a sesame bagel in half this morning.

“You know what, maybe I’m not cut out for this surgery after all,” said Carter, who graduated with honors and is in the top 10% in her class.

“I have been deeply interested in understanding the functions of the human body and using knowledge to save lives directly,” Carter said with the mutilated remains of his breakfast in his hands. “But as soon as my knife hit that bagel, I knew I was never meant to be a surgeon.”

According to sources, Carter chose the bagel from among several after waking up at 8 a.m. and managed to break it into five pieces about two minutes later. This awesome feat would have involved several different knives and even required viewing a 30 second online tutorial.

However, it only took a few seconds for Carter to cut him in the wrong direction to question the feasibility of his dream of becoming a surgeon. “Yes, that’s it for my entire medical career. gI have no choice but to give up now, “Carter said, adding that he” really had no back-up plan “but that it would be” irresponsible to attempt surgery on a human heart. while I can’t even open it. a bagel. “

Carter had never had a hard time cutting open bagels before this morning and in general demonstrated basic manual dexterity skills until the end of today.

“Dude, I don’t know what I was thinking about trying to be a surgeon,” said Carter, who has been studying medicine for years and knows more about the human chest cavity than almost any of his peers. “It’s a good thing that the bagel helped me realize I’m not meant for it,” he continued.

“I guess I can also pretty much forget about becoming a jeweler, close-up magician, or calligrapher,” Carter said. “I should probably stay away from big machines too, just to be safe.”

As of going to press, sources have confirmed that Carter miraculously sewed the bagel back on.

This is a satirical article written for entertainment purposes only.

Contact Allen Chen at [email protected].

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